Nasty, Brutish & Short

May 2006 Archives

Home · Next »

Reader seeks advice...

May 31, 2006 05:06 PM

From time to time, people write NBS asking for advice.  Sometimes, we respond.

Today's answered question pertains to the fruit of the vine.  A reader asks:

I have this tendency of opening a bottle of red wine for a drink, or two.  Or, opening a bottle with a friend, but we don't finish the bottle.  Maybe another glass the next night.  Anyway, my question is, if I put the cork back in it after I open it, how long is a good time frame for the wine to stay half-way decent before going bad?  A few days?  A week?  Longer?  This is a serious question.

Our answer:

Give it a few days and then use it for cooking.  Makes a great marinade.  Or, do as NBS does, and dump it on a bowl of frosted flakes.  Yum!

The New York Times Does Not Get the Military

Well, they're just wrapping up fleet week in the Big Apple, and the NYT was out in force to capture the true sense of how they view the modern military.  And, while we at NBS have always found implausible the old view of fleet week--that it is entirely a week of drinking, raping and pilaging, and that there is no one in the military capable of moderately sober, consensual fun--we have to say that the NYT's contemporary version is even more implausible...

"Once it was strip clubs and bars and tattoo parlors and girls. And while there still may be some of that, sailors who sauntered around Midtown on Memorial Day gave some surprising answers when asked how they experience New York City in the two or three short days they are here.

They mentioned frozen cappuccinos, and Off Broadway, and the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art, and architecture — specifically, terra cotta facades."

Yeah.  We don't think this is very likely.  Frozen cappucinos, Off Broadway musicals and Terra freakin' cotta facades?  After spending months at sea in the Persian Gulf?  Who the hell were they talking to?  Extras from a revival of "On the Town"?

The sexy race for Auditor

The Other Paper is out this last week with an article about the two hot babes who are battling it out to be Ohio's next Auditor of State.  And really, what could be more sexy than a willingness to lay it all on the line in a statewide race for Auditor.  Pant, Pant!

Just how hot are the two babes battling it out for Auditor of State?

Well here's a photo of the Republican, Mary Taylor:

And here's a photo of the Democrat, Barbara Sykes (note to the Sykes campaign, get some more photos on the campaign website!)  This one doesn't do her justice. 

Photo: Representative Sykes

All we can say is wow, ladies.  WOW.  This is one campaign where we are really looking forward to the mudslinging.  And, we want the winner to know: either one of you can pour over our books anytime. 

What, no victory speech?

May 24, 2006 05:21 PM

At 11:18 this morning, we attempted to contact Jean's reps to see if any public comments would be forthcoming.  We wrote:

Howdy Schmidt Campaign,

We write the blog, Nasty, Brutish & Short.  We have been providing extensive coverage of Jean and Wonkette's Congressional Catfight.  We were wondering, does Jean have a comment on her impending victory?

Very truly yours,


PS: We totally plan on having lots of fun with Vicky Wulsin, too!  So don't hate us, Jean!

Well gosh darn it, we didn't hear anything back.  So at 1:37 p.m., we wrote again:

Victory is now in hand.  Just a little comment?  Pretty please with sugar on top?

It is now 6:15.  Still nuthin'.  We said with sugar on top!  Come on, Jean!  It was all in good fun!

You know our email address.  Please throw us a bone.  Or a mouse, or some left over catnip, or whatever.  We are local media, we should get the goods first.

Ken Mehlman, Get Out of My "IN BOX"!

Okay, so these are trying times to be a Republican.  NBS has got to bill, like, 2000 hours a year to NBS's law firm's wealthy clients just for gas money so we can get to the lake house for the weekend, ya know?  And it's hard to do that with all the distractions. 

But between feeding the Jean Machine and maintaining a busy law practice, we also have to deal with crap like this arriving via email:  A message from Ken Mehlman, subject line, "Do We Mail You Too Much?"

Dear NBS,

As Chairman of the Republican National Committee, staying connected with theSign Up Today grassroots of our Party is one of the most important parts of my job - whether it's traveling the country, sending e-mails like this one, or through the letters we send you periodically in the mail.

People often ask me why they receive so many of those letters. The answer is that the Republican Party is built on the support of sustaining members like you - over one million strong. Staying in touch with our loyal members is the only way all of our Republican candidates will have the resources they need to win at the ballot box.

But if you'd like to receive less mail, join Grow Our Party Funds.


If you join Grow Our Party Funds for $50, $25, or $15 today, I will make you this pledge: you will stop receiving mail from us, except for members-only thank you gifts, for however long you remain a Fund-holder. ...


Ken Mehlman
Chairman, Republican National Committee

P.S. Your monthly contribution of $25 or more through Grow Our Party Funds earns you a special "I Am Proud Bush is Our President" mousepad. Don't miss this special opportunity.

Dear Ken,
Sweet Jesus.  Did it ever occur to you that a "pay us not to annoy the hell out of you" scheme might not be the best way to raise funds?  Some people might find such a suggestion REALLY ANNOYING.  And PATRONIZING.  We are not giving you hush money.  What the hell do you think this is, New Jersey?  We do not pay people to shut up.  We expect it.  And, no, we do not want an effing mouse pad, or any of the other cheap-ass gifts you mail us weekly with the promise that, while we have already joined the super-dooper Republican astronauts club, we just need to confirm our membership with a check.  Thanks anyway!  NBS

To the loser goes the spoils!

Congresswoman Harris, we are as disconsolate over your loss as you must be.  If you need a shoulder to cry on or, um, anything.  Call us.  We'll take you out, giggin' frogs.  Introduce you to our old bird dog. Sing ya ever Willy Nelson song we can think of.  Etc. Etc.  In fact, we ARE the only John Wayne left in this town (contrary to what others might say about themselves).

It's times like this that one must save a horse, Congresswoman Harris.  Ride a cowboy!



Nasty, Brutish & Short endorses...

May 23, 2006 08:52 PM

As our loyal readers may have already guessed, we are quite conflicted over the final round of today's Congressional Catfight.  As the world now knows, we have been loyal supporters of Jean Schmidt's Wildcard bid.  And, before that, we clicked for Katherine Harris as many times as our fingers would allow.  And now, unlike in most elections, we now have to chose between the greater of two goods, and not the lesser of two evils.

Why do we say this? 

Because we truly heart Jean Schmidt, and her openness, and the fact that she says what she is thinking.  And then acts accordingly.  Unlike some other politicians we know, she is still raw, unredacted, and fresh.  And, even if we disagreed with her (which we seldom do), we still think we would appreciate the fact that she certainly is not bland.  Blandness is something NBS abhors.  In conservatives.  In liberals.  In life.

On the other hand, we have Katherine Harris.  And we truly heart Katherine Harris.  Truly, truly do.  She has been completely (and in our opinion, unjustly) villified because she followed the rule of law in Florida in 2000.  She has been knifed in the back by the Republican party.  And yet still she soldiers on.  And that line of hers: "I am willing to take this widow's mite, this pearl of great price, and put everything on the line."  Choice words, my friends.  Choice words.

So we are down to a choice between two tough broads.  And to quote Ryan Seacrest, "one of them is going home tonight."  Who to pick?  Who is catier?  Whose first scratch is the deepest?

We believe the answer must lie in the meaning of the word "catfight."  According to Wikipedia,

 "Catfight" is a slang term for an altercation, between two women typically involving slapping, scratching, and hair-pulling as opposed to punching or kicking. It can also be used metaphorically to describe two human females insulting one another verbally or being otherwise nasty to one another.

Wikipedia goes on to explain what we all already know: Catfighting reached its apogee during the 1980s, when Krystle Carrington and Alexis Carrington Colby battled it out on episodes of Dynasty.  Krystle v. Alexis set the gold standard for catfighting.  We believe contenders in the Wonkette Congressional Catfight must meet these high, high standards.  So we have to ask?  Are Jean and Katherine anything like Krystle and Alexis?

We're afraid that only one of them is, my friends.  We distinctly see shades of Alexis Carrington Colby in Katherine Harris.  Both are saucy brunettes with posh accents.  Both have attitude, panache, and joie de vivre.  And is there really any doubt that Katherine Harris doesn't flounce down to breakfast every morning in a Bobby Macke original ballgown?  Surely, she must!  And who else would describe her $10,000,000 inheritence from her dad as "this widow's mite, this pearl of great price" before she donated the entire amount to her own Senate Campaign?  Alexis Carrington Colby, that's who.

And Jean?  Well she is absolutely NOTHING like Krystle Carrington.  THANK GOD.  Jean would be about as likely to run off and marry Yanni as she would to turn cartwheels the length of the Washington Mall.  No, Jean is no Krsytle.  Jean is our Jean.  Our own local original.  Fine in her own right, and still a down-to-earth gal.  As she said on Willie Cunningham's show on May 1, 2006 (the day before the recent primary), "You can find me at Kroger's.  My priorities are here.  They always have, and they always will be."  We highly doubt either Krystle or Alexis have ever been in a Kroger's.

In a catfight, dear readers, you have to bet on the cat.  And the real cat in this race is Katherine Harris.  Though the hour is late, and the cause may be futile, we urge NBS readers to vote for Katty Harris.

Image Hosted by


The Truth about Cats and Dogs

Okay, people, calm yourselves.  NBS does have a day job, you know.  Free me from it, please!  A caged bird has got to sing!

Ahem.  Sorry about that.  It's been a long day.  And while we haven't had time post our endorsement, we have had the chance to check over at Wonkette to see how the voting's going.  Jean's winning by a 2-1 margin. 

We have to say, although we think Jean is cat-tastic, we are concerned voters are straying too far from the concept of a catfight.  Cats are felines, people.  They move subtlely.  Sleekly.  And then they strike.  When NBS thinks of cats, he thinks of Milton's description of the Godess fair and free in "L'Allegro": "bucksom, blith and debonaire."

And Jean?  Well, she's just more of a dog person.

Dogs don't like cats.

Vote Now, Vote Often

Wonkette has opened up the polls, and they will stay open until tomorrow morning.  It is Jean Schmidt v. Katherine Harris in the final round of the Congressional Catfight!  ME-OW.  Scratch.  HISS!

We here at NBS have to admit that having secured the Wildcard spot for Jean, we are now on the horns (or should we say claws?) of a dilemma.  On the one hand, we have Jean.  Our local girl done well.  On the other hand, we have Katherine Harris, who's service to the rule of law we very much admire.  She also has something going for her that Jean just ain't got.


A fantastic rack.

Check back later for NBS's official endorsement.


Jean Wins Wildcard Spot!

Great day!  Great day the righteous marchin'!  Great day!  God's gonna build up Zion's Walls.

Well her electorial winning streak extends to 4.  One special primary in a crowded, crowded field.  One special general election against a tough kos-ite ambulance chaser.  One primary challenge from a slick, slick challenger (who ran a nasty, nasty campaign via unofficial mouthpieces).  And now:

She's the Winner of the Wonkette Catfight Wildcard spot

Way to go, Jean!  Whoever said that without tenure you wouldn't be able to get noticed in the nation's capitol?  Not us! 

Jean will now take on Katherine Harris (R-FL) in the final round.  Voting opens later today over at Wonkette.  So stay tuned!

Mallory Parties Without Bodyguard

May 22, 2006 05:08 PM

What with all the excitement over the national attention Jean is getting from Wonkette, we totally lost track of a local item about Mayor Mark Mallory (hereinafter 3M): Namely, we saw him partying at McFadden's on Saturday night! We have no idea what he was doing there, but he was all dressed up and standing off to the side, waiting for someone to recognize him.  There was not a bodyguard in sight.  And the place was packed!  Hopefully, he didn't find that scary!

Anyway, like we say, we have no idea what he was doing there, except maybe he just thinks partying with young people is what he is supposed to do, now that he's Mayor.  We have no idea where he could have gotten that idea.  We didn't see him drunk, though.  Or hitting on young girls.

Jean still looks good, even after lunch.

Well Jean's still holding her strong lead over at Wonkette.  But we can't take anything for granted!  So make sure you check our comments in support of her candidacy over at Wonkette.

Oh, we forgot to also remind everyone what Jean once said about Elizabeth Dole, way back in 1984, when Liddy was Transpo Sec and wanted make all the states raise the drinking age to 21 via a highway dollar extortion scheme. Jean said:

"I hate that woman," she told the reporter. "I just can't stand her. Anyone who wants to force an increase in the drinking age to 21. ... She can send our boys off to fight wars when they're 17 and 18 but won't let them drink till they're 21."

She added, "That stinks."

We submit that anyone who wants to light Liddy deserves a chance to scratch Katty Harris! Granted, Jean did (1) later attribute these remarks to her Evil Twin and (2) suggest that this Hill hitpiece was just a political attack on her from Dennis Kucinich's sister.

But doesn't that just make her all the more cat-tastic?

Vote for Jean!

UPDATE:  An asute reader observes that Jean's closest competition in the Catfight is an old frenemy of hers, Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO).  He's the anti-immigration guy (which makes no sense if you think about it, with an name like Tancredo.  It ends in a vowel, for pete's sake!) who Jean claimed had endorsed her.  Well, when Tomcat Tancredo found out about it, he had his peeps call Jean's campaign office and demand that she remove the endorsement announcement from her website.

She was sitting in Congress with you Tom, so FYI, that was a really bitchy thing to do.  It would have been much more appropriate to pretend you had endorsed her all along

Of course, this all led to the hearing before the Ohio Elections Commission, after COAST accused Jean of making false claims during the course of an election campaign.  And that created a lot of fodder for the campaign of former Congressman Bob McEwen.

Well, now Jean's beating you 3-1 in the Congressional Catfight contest, Tom.  In this case, it looks like payback, quite literally, is a bitch.  So who's sorry now?


Ever get the sensation that you have made a wrong turn in life?

Okay.  So your career's going great.  And you're on the cover of Rolling Stone, and Madonna crowns you the baby pop star and says she's the mommy pop star and everyone thinks you're hot, hot, hot and just loves your new song "I'm a Slave 4 U."

So we have to ask.  How do you get from there to here?

Do you see that thing swimming round and round

Maybe we can reach on in and make it drown


A highly placed source at the Wonkette Board of Elections has just informed NBS:

"Jean got an overwhelming number of nominations; she's looking good."

We are so flattered to hear from our source.  And are printing his email for our fridge!

Meow Mix Update!

Isn't the electoral process beautiful?  We've already voted for Jean 34 times (which is 31 more times than we voted for her in Clermont County on May 2).  And we aren't the only ones.  We can now report that she has a very respectable 59% lead in the 5 man field.  But we have to be vigilant people!

Keep voting!

Scratch your votes for Jean!

Okay folks, now's no time to sit on your hands (what are you doing with them under there anyway?).  It is time to vote for Jean.  Voting is now open for the Wonkette Congressional Catfight Wildcard spot.  And Jean is up against some tough competition, such as Corrine Brown (D-FL), Barbara Cubin (R-WY), Bernie Sanders (Socialist-VT (hey, at least he admits it)) and Tom Tancredo (R-CO).

Jean needs us now folks.  Even though we all know how well she does in a crowded field, we can't take anything for granted.

Head on over to Wonkette and vote for Jean

We're now into a fullblown catfight!!!!!!!

We hope this is not what it appears to be...

May 20, 2006 01:30 PM

There is presently a significant traffic backup on I-275 on the East side of town, where drivers are slowing to see the crushed remains of a white Bentley.  Most Cincinnatians know who this car likely belongs to.  Both it and its driver are familiar sights around town.  The car is now empty and an officer is on-duty nearby.  We have no further details at this time, and offer our hope that everyone is safe and secure.

UPDATE: Well, no news is good news one supposes.  But still, we wonder... what the hell was the deal with the crushed white Bentley?

Oh LeBron. Oh LeBron. Yes, LeBron. Yes. Yes. YES!

May 19, 2006 01:58 PM

We here at NBS couldn't help but read Paul Daugherty's sports column in this morning's Enquirer without wondering: How uncomfortable has this made Tom Brinkman?  Because oh my, Paul.  We know you sports writers have a little bit more latitude to flex that creative muscle.  But really.  This is a family paper!

Paul begins:

"How composed he is. How spectacularly cool at age 21, a young man's body guided by an old man's head and a true man's heart, sidestepping hype and headed for glory, with an ease that suggests he has done it all before."

Translation: He's like a virgin.  But for the very first time!  And what's with the phrase, "a young man's body guided by an old man's head"?  Steamy!

Paul continues:

"Truth: Are you like me, a confirmed NBA-phobe, now taking long, guilty sips from the well of LeBron? . . . [S]o help me, I'm watching Cleveland-Detroit like it's the finals of "American Idol." Even if it is with the lights out and the shades drawn.

It's LeBron. LeBron is a reason to fall in love again."

Long guilty sips?  From the well of LeBron?  From a once-confirmed -phobe?  American Idol?  With the lights out?  And he is your reason to fall in love again!  Paul!  Does Mrs. Dougherty know about this?

Paul concludes:

Then along comes LeBron, to reposition my perspective. So young, so gifted, so pleasantly together. So much like Magic and Doc. The Cavs can topple the Pistons from their throne tonight. I just might watch.

Cavs.  Pistons.  Repositioning.  Watching.  We don't know what else to say, Paul, other than we strongly suggest you don't try to adopt in the State of Ohio.


Keep the votes for votes for Jean pouring in!

Folks, voting is still underway for Wonkette's Congressional Catfight Wildcard spot.  The Wildcard winner will go up against the winner of Katherine Harris v. Nancy Pelosi for the title of Most Cat-tasic Congresswoman.  Me-ow!  As meantioned previously, we can't let this honor pass Jean by.  Here was our comment on this over at Wonkette:   

At NBS, we like to think of ourselves as Wonkette's OH-2 News Bureau. It's a delusion of grandeur, we know.

But we do want to thank you all for showering our Congresswoman, Jean Schmidt, with so much luv and attention. We can personally attest that she is indeed worthy of the Congressional Catfight wildcard spot.

There are a number of reasons why Jean deserves this honor. We believe Wonkette readers are already familiar with the fact that she (1) has an evil twin, (2) was decapitated (via cake knife) by her political opponents, and (3) also made some remarks on the floor of the House that garnered, um, some attention, and a SNL parody. What other House frosh can claim that?

But we would be remiss if we didn't profer some insider info. Namely, she packs. Heat. In her purse.

She revealed this to us at the Hamilton County Lincoln Reagan Dinner just a few months ago. She also showed us her firing range pose.

We know that for Congressional Catfight purposes, evidence of Katty Harris's concealed carry permit was deemed inadmissable. But we respectfully suggest that actual gun-toting is distinguishable, and should be considered by the Court.

Vote for Jean!

We have emailed Wonkette to find out when the polls will close, but as yet, we don't know.  So vote now, vote often.  We have no reason to believe Clermont County voters will get an extra 2 hours, so make sure you get your votes in on time!

When Ya Git Behind Closed Doors, and Ya Let Yore Hair Hang Down

We love how blogs are letting real reporters let their hair down.  Especially the crazy kids over at the Enquirer.  It's like they're all up in their rooms playing around on the wrong side of the net, and Margaret Buchanan's downstairs cooking dinner, thinking the kids are working on their homework.

Maggie, they have software filters now, you know!  Parents need to control these things.  The last thing we need is some molester targeting Howard Wilkinson. 

But anyway, here's a good example.  We love this header, drafted by Enquirer scribbler Jon Craig:

"Gay Lobby Day Transcript."

That just about says it all, doesn't it?

But the best part is the unflattering photos they run.  Check this one out... It's hard to believe this guy has the views on homosexuality that he does, right?  There's no effort to make Tom Brinkman look like a hillbilly here, is there Jon? 

Meow! Claw! Hiss!

Okay folks.  We turned out for her on May 2.  Now's no time to go wobbly.

Jean Schmidt needs our help over at Wonkette.  She's in the running for their Congressional Catfight wildcard spot.  Who de think's wilder and cattier than our Jean?


So head over there and email them your vote for Jean.  Make sure you put "Catfight Wild Card" in the subject line.

Political Power Rankings

May 17, 2006 04:39 PM

We here at NBS love rankings, from the Forbes 400 to People's Best Dressed.  And we love rankings about politics, too.  So we are delighted to report on the Power Rankings that have been compiled by the folks over at  Here are the rankings for our local pols, specific to legislative body (that means out of 100 for the Senate, and 435 for the House, you morons).

U.S. Senate:

7.  McConnell (R, KY)

26. DeWine (R, OH)

62.  Bunning (R, KY)

70. Voinovich (R, OH)

U.S. House:

33.  Boehner (R, OH-8)

169.  Davis (R, KY-4)

186.  Chabot (R, OH-1)

402.  Strickland (D, OH-6)

433.  Schmidt (R, OH-2)

Give it time, Jean.  Give it time.

More details on the methodology here.

Trucker Bomb Epidemic!!!

May 16, 2006 10:52 PM

Proving that Democrats in the Statehouse aren't just there to gather dust, State Sen. Kimberley Zurz (D-Green (where ever the hell that is (sounds rural... what the hell kind of rural folks would elect a Dem?)), has proposed a bill to crack down on the apparently serious epidemic of trucker bombs.  And what, pray tell, are trucker bombs?  They are:

"Plastic containers of urine passed by truckers, then thrown along the highways."

Oh well that's just lovely.  Especially the phrase "passed by truckers."

Apparently these trucker bombs become really problematic when highway mowing crews run over them:

"The containers explode under lawn mowers, often showering workers with urine," [Rep. Zurz] says. "There are a million trucker bombs tossed on Ohio's roads every year. Not only is it unacceptable to litter on our highways, but the content of this type of litter is simply disgusting." 

Yeah, we can see how that could be a problem.  But we nevertheless find ourselves a little skeptical about the Democrat's numbers.  A million trucker bombs?  In Ohio alone?  That, my friends, is a lot of trucker bombs.  Has this issue been studied?  Do we know for sure that there are 1,000,000 trucker bombs per year in Ohio?  It would be so like the Democrats to propose a study of this pressing trucker bomb issue.  Why this rush to legislative action?

But nevertheless--and lack of evidence aside--we find ourselves in agreement with the Democrats.  Even one trucker bomb is a trucker bomb too many.  Trucker bombs must be BANNED!

(Hat tip to Porkopolis and the folks at City Beat--the only local news organization that would report on what Democrats in Columbus are up to.)

Reds lose to Pirates (!) 9-3

If we had readers, this could turn into quite the debate.  But the question is as worthy as the old "if a tree fell in the forest" trope.  This question should be asked, even if there is no one around to answer it.  And the question is this:

Is Ken Griffey, Jr. just completely bad luck?

Because man, I think he is all over this team like that cursed tiki that the Brady Bunch found in the cave on their trip to Hawaii.  If Adam Dunn hits his head in a dangerous surfboarding accident and Alice Javier Valentin gets hopelessly lost, it is time to return the tiki to the cave, boys.  RETURN THE TIKI TO THE CAVE.

That's all I'm saying.

Condi's Musical Faves

In an interview with Bono for The Independent (U.K.), Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has listed her Top 10 favorite songs.

No. 6 is Brahms', Piano Quintet in F minor.  Condi says this piece is "passionate without being sentimental."

Just like our foreign policy.  We love the consistency, Condi!

UPDATE: One of our liberal friends (yes, we have 'em) just wrote to say that we really should have gone with our first idea for the header, which was:

"What, no 'Ein Kleine Kristallnacht music?'"


Crime Scene: Cinci Beacon

May 13, 2006 06:07 PM

Well the folks over at The Cincinnati Beacon have never been the kinds of bloggers that just sit around drinking and eating bonbons like us newbies here at NBS.  They get out and get all activist and shit.

Especially yesterday, when the Crime Scene: Cinci Beacon crew let their morbid curiousity get the best of them, and headed over to check out the city's latest dead person.  They report:

"The Cincinnati Beacon was on location as officers started loading the corpse into a body bag."

What an exciting/completely weird way to spend your Friday!

The Beacon has yet to implicate Phil Heimlich's dad.

One way to fix higher ed...

Tammy Bruce (NBS's favorite right-wing lesbian (it makes us pant just to say that!)) has a great suggestion up over at Tammy Blog:  Send Condolezza Rice to speak at every university in the country!


Because a professor at Boston College has resigned in protest of an upcoming visit from the Secretary of State.

This is one way to weed them out.  Because really, how can anyone in good conscience continue to educate our youth at a school that invites Condi to speak?  Clearly, professors-o-the-left, resignation is your only option.

Great idea Tammy!

Whoop, Whoop, Whoop!!!

May 12, 2006 04:42 PM

We need one of those Drudge siren-y things!  Because we have a comment, folks.  WE HAVE A COMMENT!

Yes, NBS's first comment comes days before we'd even hoped for one.  And our commenter is Alex, from Aminuslist.  Alex, if we could make money fall on you from the sky, we would.

We are actually a little embarrassed, because thus far at NBS, we've kind of only been practicing.  We were going to spend the weekend trying to figure out how this thing works.  There are complicated issues to be resolved!  Like how to do that link thing where the link is in what you're writing, rather than at the bottom of the post like some incompetant unprofessional.  I was going to say like a 2-year old, but a 2-year old would probably know how to do that already.  Oh and spell check.  We definitely need to figure out spell check.

So having Alex stop by now is a little like having someone show up to the party when you're still in the shower, and the crackers have yet to be sprayed with aerosol cheese.  He's witnessed the last minute chaos that always comes right before a great party! 

But nevertheless, Alex, we salute you.  And we sincerely thank you for taking our commenting cherry. 

Membership has no privileges?

NBS doesn't know where to begin when it comes to The Continental Lounge, the "members only" club for young professional types that opened up last year across the river.  It has been the source of so many jokes and such derision among it's targeted demographic (of which NBS is a part), that it is hard to know where to start.  So let's begin with the Welcome message on the Club's website, which was first brought to NBS's attention by another member of the Club's targeted demo, who is a well-known figure on the city's social scene, and who said to NBS, "you have GOT to read what they say on their website."  It says:

The caliber of a club reflects the fiber of the people who compose it.  The Continental Lounge chooses members not only for their wealth, social rank, or honor, but also for their personal worth and character. Only the men and women who dare to be unique - unique in their vision, ideals, and principles, have been selected. In the future, we will continue our selective growth and further gain a higher position of power - not by luck or lowered standards - but by detailed planning, devoted service, and inspired leadership. This is the pioneering spirit of The Continental Lounge.

Okay.  This is just wrong on so many levels, and NBS says this as someone who (and you'll just have to take his word for this) knows.  The main problem with it is this: People with class do not speak like this.  There is no other private club in this City (or a reputable one, anywhere else) that would broadcast such a statement on its website.  People with class know all about social position, power, social rank and privilege.  But they never, ever, talk about it.  No one well-healed would ever use the words "social" and "rank" together in a sentence.  Instead, one would say something like, "Oh of course I know her.  Her grandmother was my grandmother's roommate at Vassar."

So there are certain buzzwords, but you only drag them out when you have reason to believe that the other person will be similarly clued in, and you never do it to hurt someone's feelings.  Unless it is someone who needs to be put in their place, as the members of The Continental Lounge so clearly do. 

What the The Continental Lounge's word choice indicates is that its founders are completely clueless about the world they are so desperate to be a part of.  It's like a 8-year old t-ball player dreaming he's on the field with the Yankees, and invisioning a world that is absolutely nothing like its real-life version.  

So why bring all this up today?

Well, today comes the delicious news that economic reality has set in at The Continental Lounge.  A year ago, they were offering memberships (at the rate of $2,500 for Class A or $1,500 for Class B (again, no real Club would ever set up a two-tiered structure like that, it would be offensive and rude to suggest that some members are not as good as others)) and making promises.  One of the main perks of membership was the private dining room.  But not any more.  Starting Friday, the restaurant has a new name, and will be open to (gasp!) non-members.  But hey, members can still eat there. 

So it's not like the $2,500 you put down was wasted!

Hat tip to Cincinnati Blog.

Local Girl Does, Really, Really Well

Recall Curtis Sittenfeld, the Cincinnati native who made a big splash with the debut of her first novel, Prep, a few years ago?  And at a very young age, at that?

Well, recently, the New York Times Book Review's editor, Sam Tanenhaus, sent out a letter to "prominent writers, critics, editors and other literary sages," asking them to weigh-in on the best work of American fiction over the past 25 years.  Curtis got one of those letters.  She's freaking listed along with Henry Louis Gates, Jr., Marilynne Robinson and Tom Wolfe.

This puts Curtis in a league of heavy hitters.  We knew Prep was a big deal for Curtis.  But we had no idea she was in that kind of company on the American literary scene.  Way to go Curtis.  We can scarely conceal our jealousy, and are trying hard not to hate you.  Oh, also, NBS went to high school with your sister.  Tell her we said hi.

No Deal for NKU Prof

The Cincinnati Post follows up on NKU Prof Sally Jacobsen, who encouraged students to join her in "exercising their free speech rights" to destroy a right-to-life display on campus a few weeks ago.

The students involved are getting community service.  Not so for Professor Jacobsen.  The prosecutor won't give her that deal.  Kudos to the Campbell County attorney for sending a message that needs to be heard.  The professor is due back in Court by May 23 to answer the criminal charges.

Her attorney, Margo Grubbs, "said Jacobsen is currently working on a paper on English author Virginia Wolfe at an undisclosed location, and might not be back by then."

So apparently it is not only Professor Jacobsen, but her attorney who don't understand some basics about the legal system.  Destroying property is not "free speech" (and Prof. Jacobsen is too blind with rage to understand that).  And, her attorney doesn't understand that when a Judge tells you your client needs to be in court to answer criminal charges, she sure as hell needs to be there.  Not at an undisclosed location writting a paper about Virginia Wolfe. 

NBS practices civil, not criminal law.  But it still would never occur to NBS to tell a Judge that a client "may not be back in time," for a necessary court appearance. 

We at NBS won't be happy unless Prof. Jacobsen gets jail time, and actually has to serve at least a night or two of it.  Apparently that is what it will take to help her, and her attorney, better understand the legal system in this country.

Monkey meat, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

May 11, 2006 02:47 PM

Every once in awhile the New York Times writes something that demonstrates why they not a completely terrible paper--such as this fascinating article about the Nukak-Makú in Columbia.  They are a group of stone age tribesmen tribespeople who just recently walked out of the jungle and said "we've had enough."  They used to hunt with blowguns and scour the forest floor for berries.  And now they have pots.  And pans.  And skillets.  And an entitlement mentality!

Okay, in this case, I can forgive the entitlement mentality.  But it is a fascinating article.  Check this out:

"The Nukak have no concept of money, of property, of the role of government, or even of the existence of a country called Colombia. They ask whether the planes that fly overhead are moving on some sort of invisible road."

An invisible road!  And it's one that was created 100 years before the internet super highway!

They haven't given up on the monkey meat, though, despite their newfound ways.

I don't think I can improve on Ann Althouse, who says, "You can't get over that taste for monkeys."


photo credit: Luca Zanetti for The New York Times.


Mmmmm.  Monkey.

"I've got to sit on my hands to keep from waving."

So says City Councilman Jim Tarbell, talking about Cirque du Soleil coming to the Banks this summer.  He says it is an old east side saying.

Sounds like more of a new Northside saying.

And now, some lovely news from the UC campus...

700 WLW Reports: "Police are looking for a man who masturbated inside a woman's shoes after she dozed off in the school library."

Even if you had them off, wouldn't you wake up if some guy got close enough to whack off in your shoes?

Apparently not. 

Fox 19 can't resist offering up the unpleasant details of just how this crime was discovered: "The victim said that she took her shoes off to relax but when she put them back on she found the substance inside."

"The substance"?

NBS is reliably advised...

That First District Congressman Steve Chabot is quite ticked over the subpoena he received during the whole Jean Schmidt/Bob McEwen Ohio Elections Commission imbroglio of a few weeks ago.

The source of Chabot's anger is C.O.A.S.T. attorney Chris Finney.  Chabot apparently is steamed that C.O.A.S.T. wanted to drag him into the middle of their feud with Jean.

"I wanted to scream how could the voters fall for her lies..."

So says Liz McEwen, wife of former Congressmen and recent congressional candidate in the 2nd District Republican primary, Bob McEwen. 

Classy, hun?

Maybe it is not so smart for political spouses to have blogs...

"Where [some of] the news comes first"

May 9, 2006 07:15 AM

Channel 5 (actually gets this morning's prize for news coverage that only tells half the story, if that.  The Big One had an item at 8:30 reporting on a rape last night in the 3700 block of Eastern Avenue.  Which is about 50 feet from NBS's HQ.  So naturally, we were a little curious.  But The Big One offered no more than that blurb, and we weren't even sure they said "3700 block."

A quick check of other local news web outlets (Enquirer, the big three tv stations and 700 WLW's own website), shows that no one else is reporting on the story, except Channel 5, via  And their reporting is pretty half-assed.  No mention of where on Eastern this allegedly occured, and Eastern Avenue is a pretty damn long road.  And, apparently the supposed victim walked 2 miles from her apartment to find a phone.  At 3:00 a.m.  She claimed to have no cell phone, no home phone, and that 3 other units in her building are supposedly empty.  So from News 5, we got some interesting facts (and ones that suggest she might be making it all up), but not the minor detail of WHERE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.  It could have been anywhere from downtown to Linwood.

Maybe it's not a major story, but you'd think if you made the decision to cover it in the first place, you'd at least mention where it occured.  Thanks a lot News 5!

5/3 Rocker Boy?

May 8, 2006 03:47 PM

We here at NBS thought the only piercings allowed at 5/3 were of the lapel pin variety.  But from craigslist's missed connections cincinnati, we have this anonymous message from one 5/3 employee to another...

ever since you wandered into my peripheral vision about a year ago, i've been completely in lust with everything about you; your scruffy black hair, goatee, chain wallet, even down to your standard issue white t-shirts that you're wearing every single time i see you. i'm especially head-over-f**king-heels about the fact that i saw you at the henry rollins show last year.

for some reason unbeknownst to me, i am lacking in the ability to say more than "good morning" to you at work...not a problem that i typically encounter, so i admit that you have me stumped. i'd like to try to figure this out. and for the record, i would also like to be on a close, personal basis with every one of your tattoos and have my own personal list of the gauges of your piercings.

Holy Bankers Club!  So much more interesting than the takeover rumors!

Well here we go

Welcome to Nasty, Brutish & Short, the blog devoted to the avid pursuit of turning its author into an overnight media sensation.  A household word.  A man of the people.  Filthy rich.  Etc. etc. 

Don't hesitate to quote me, MSM and big time blogers.  And yes, I am available for your speaking event.

The only question remains... what do I have to do to achieve wealth and fame?

UPDATE:  Well the activity log is still at zero.  And nobody's commented.  So I guess I'll just go ahead and put my clothes back on.