Nasty, Brutish & Short

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NBS is not a bad writer. Again!

July 12, 2006 03:53 PM

The results of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced.  As always, we tuned in for the results, which, like a pocked pre-teen tuning in for the finale of "American Idol," (after having himself been unceremoniously dismissed from the contest, not by the judges, or by the vote of his fellow Americans, but by the show's producers, in the "you're not even good enough for people to laugh derisively at you" phase of the contest), NBS regards with a combination of jealously and joie de vivre.

In case you hadn't guessed--and are still with us--the Bulwer-Lytton Awards are the Oscars of bad writing.  They are awarded annually in honor of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the Victorian writer who famously coined the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night..."

But anyway, on to the winners.  Our favorite entry this year comes in the Romance Category, and was crafted--no, hewn--by Dan Winters, of Los Altos Hills, California:

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking.

Irritating, indeed!  But still, no where near as good as our all-time favorite, "crafted" by the winner in 2003, Mariann Simms, of Wetumpka, Alabama:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.