Nasty, Brutish & Short

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Don't these people know about the "date sweep"?

March 29, 2007 02:48 PM

That's when you run around the house picking things up, in case your date winds up inside.  [ed. your house, that is].  I guess some folks don't know about this basic rule, because their homes aren't "relationship ready."  In extreme cases, would-be suitors are scared away.

Check out the problems of Albert Podell, a lawyer in New York:

Last year, Mr. Podell, a 70-year-old lawyer, gave N.Y.U. Law School $2.9 million. He goes out four nights a week, to the opera, symphony or theater. He is well read. He says he has traveled to 162 countries.

Then comes that magic evening when the woman is ready to go back to his place.

“It’s totally unchanged, like it was when I went to law school in 1973, a time warp,” Mr. Podell says of his small one-bedroom in SoHo, a description that seems plausible, given the hot pink living room with the futon seating and the fraying contact paper on the kitchen cabinets.

Oh no!

All these things have proved detriments to love, but none so effectively as his sheets. Mr. Podell likes the ones from the ’60s and ’70s that tell a story: sheets with intergalactic battles or pink hippopotami or the Beatles. Since these are no longer available in adult-bed sizes, Mr. Podell’s sheets are now 30 to 40 years old.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for him?  Because he sounds completely self-absorbed and immature.  Chicks don't like gross things, Albert.  It's not too late to learn that lesson.

It's not always men who are the problem.  Matt Heindl has a terrible experience at a date's apartment,

As he entered her apartment, a free-flying parrot relieved itself on his head. Then a large rabbit darted out from somewhere and licked his feet. A baby gate separated a second rabbit from the first — there had been a nasty penis-biting episode, his date explained. Also, the kitchen wall was covered with antique egg beaters, which looked to Mr. Heindl like weird tools.

That would be a bit off-putting, to say the least.  I once took a date to the annual law firm picnic.   We usually rent a petting zoo to come and entertain the kids, and one of the rabbits defecated on my date.  We did not go out again.  I think you are "on notice" of potential rabbit defecation when you insist it is so cute that it cannot be put down.  I am still surprised there is another school of thought on this.  Oh well, things have all worked out for the best!

Things worked out for Matt, too.  He ended up marrying the girl with the parrot who shat on him, and now they have a baby: 

“I seriously thought, ‘Shall I run? No, I like her, I like her, I’ll check it out,’ ” he says. “I thought about it, I asked myself, ‘Why are you doing this?’ and I decided it showed she can really nurture, because one was like a really old rabbit, a geriatric rabbit. And she baked, obviously.”

So there really is someone out there for the geriatric rabbit nurturing bakers.

Comments

I got maybe two sentences into your fisking and thought, "This must be from the New York Times." I went to the link and sure enough, yet another fluffy and cutesy profile of abominably self-absorbed people who love the smell of their own farts, as the South Park kids say. On the other hand, I suppose the Times has to cater to its readers.

The Bovina Bloviator   ·  March 29, 2007 05:07 PM

Mr. Podell's sheets are probably worth a pretty penny on eBay (it doesn't sound like they've been at much risk of, er, staining). But is any guy who's worth millions and still lives in a one-bedroom apartment really looking for something more than a fling?

Jackie Danicki   ·  March 29, 2007 05:55 PM

If Albert's in the redecorating mood, he'd better be kept away from Lilek's "Home Desecrations", because he might find the ideas really cool.

Now, I can't blame the girl for her egg-beater collection. I had quite a fine jelly mold collection when I was dating, and I would never have parted with it. Now I'm married and don't have to worry about dating; pretty good thing, too, as now I collect meat grinders, and that's probably not quite the thing to put a man at ease on a first date.

Dr. Mabuse   ·  March 29, 2007 08:25 PM

Ha! Yes, a meat grinder collection would be intimidating, Dr. Mabuse. It's so ripe for interpretation.

As for the guy with the one bedroom apartment, Jackie, I think you hit the nail on the head. That guy can't seriously be looking for a relationship if he still lives in the same dump he had in law school forty years ago, and hasn't made any upgrades. The article makes clear it's because it is a rent controlled apartment that he refuses to give up. By why hasn't he at least cleaned it up along the way? And besides, squalor is no excuse, be one rich or poor. Pick up your crap, people!

Bovina, you have the Times demographic down. Self indulgent over-educated twits. Of course, that doesn't stop me from reading it. And yet, I'm reading it. I wonder what that says?

NBS   ·  March 29, 2007 10:56 PM

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