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Practicing Law and Live Blogging the Parade

April 2, 2007 10:32 AM

Well downtown is filled with people who seem confused by elevators.  And that means one thing:

It's Opening Day!

I moved offices this year, and my new one looks out on Fifth Street, with a view of Fountain Square.  A great place to watch the parade.  Here come the cops on motorcycles!  They drive dangerously and weave in and out.  I realize that if I'm ever resisting arrest via high speed chase, I'm screwed. 

Next: people in kilts and members of the military!

On the radio, Pete Rose tells Bill Cunningham of nervousness on his first opening day, saying "I didn't know whether to wind my head or scratch my crotch watch."

Here comes a firetruck with monster wheels, and a beauty queen in a red convertible.  The Reds Cheerleaders are back (boo-hoo!  There are not supposed to be cheerleaders in baseball!  Plus, not all that attractive, most of them).

Now we're seeing people dressed in historic uniforms and people dressed as bobble heads.

On the radio, Pete Rose blames the aging process on Los Angelos's water, which he describes as "too close to Mexico."  He then threatens to live to 110 just to annoy Bud Selig. 

Here comes an enormous livestock truck sponsored by Bob Evans.  I hope it's not full of little piggies on the way to the slaughterhouse.  Is this a porkopolis thing?

The baton twillers from South Dearborn high school walk way to slowly, creating a huge gap.  They get closer.  Oh no.  Maybe this is the porkopolis tribute?

Here comes Rosie Red.  Her shirt is cherry but her shoes are tomato.

On the radio, Pete tells Bill that he made Marge all that money, but she didn't leave him anything.  He genuinely sounds pissed. 

Draft horses, marching band and some flag waivers.  There's one guy with a scoop shovel and one guy with a wheelbarrow full of horse manure. 

First politician up: Steve Chabot.  Then Pat Fischer, the Bar Association Pres. and candidate for City Council.  He scores a good spot for a non-incumbent!

Budweiser beer truck, more flag waivers and another marching band.  The B-105 DJs are on party barge on a boat trailer.  A driver of a bob cat scoop entertains the crowd by raising the bucket up and down and spinning in circles.  Some balloons get loose.  I don't understand the guy dressed as a green bean.

Vice-Mayor Tarbell is in his Peanut Jim outfit, of course.

I don't think corporate floats should be allowed.  Yes, I'm talking to YOU, National City Bank.  Also, maybe they should place a limit on the number of marching bands and flag corps?

Rumpke's float is a garbage truck decorated with balloons.  More pigs on floats.  Councilman Crowley wisely goes with red, instead of his signature green.

There's Tricia Macke from Fox 19 in the back of a pick-up truck with her 42 children.  And it looks like she's pregnant AGAIN.  Jack Atheron is with her, sitting on one of those cheap folding chairs.  Speaking of, this weekend, someone told me that Jack Atherton is a lay reader at the Indian Hill Presbyterian-Episcopal Church.  Can you imagine a more annoying lay reader?  Plus, he doesn't even live in Indian Hill.  C-L-I-M-B-E-R.

Here come some dogs that are up for adoption, followed by Councilman John Cranley.  If he steps in something, I won't be sad.  He only has two supporters with him. 

Next: Really, why would Metro just have one bus in, when they could have THREE?  Councilperson Berding has a decent group of followers.  He's followed by Burger King's float: 3 people dressed as a whopper, fries and a coke. 

Man this a long parade.  More later, maybe. 

I'm back: Crosby Elementary School teaches kids to ride the unicycle?  Hopefully they are all reading above level, first? 

Next: Councilwoman Laketa Cole has a good crowd, but she rides with her heading sticking out of the sunroof of an SUV.  Doesn't she know that policians with class, walk, not ride?

The crowd from CityBeat has a flatbed truck with a band on it, rapping.

Councilman Chris Bortz gets it right, walking with his wife and having a supporter (a sassy black woman!) ride in the convertible.  Councilman Monzel tries to top this by holding hands with his wife.  The sweaty palms one must suffer for votes!

Hop, hop, hoping are a bunch of girls in yellow jumping rope.  Do you supposed they jumped rope the entire way?  Note to banner makers: you need to weight the bottom, otherwise it blows backwards and bloggers can't give your rope jumpers their due.

On the radio: Bill Cunningham makes a joke about Mayor Mallory being the pitcher, and Elton John being the catcher.  Sometimes there isn't much distance between what flashes through his mind and what comes out of his mouth.  He should get a blog!

It's now 1:00 and still going strong.  I'm heading out for my free hot dog.  Play ball!

One more thing: WOW (and not a good wow) Council candidate Charlie Winburn's supporters appear to be the praise band and liturgical dancers from his church.


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Pete's mouth is his wurst enemy.

Wurst Chester   ·  April 2, 2007 09:42 PM

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