Nasty, Brutish & Short

October 2007 Archives

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I know, I know. NBS has been quiet lately.

October 31, 2007 10:34 PM

Or, as one reader pointed out to me, "Ever since you announced you guys are having a baby, your blog has totally sucked."

Yes.  I know.  And when you combine the baby with the new job, and having the house on the market, it hasn't left much time for blogging.  For those of you who check in regularly, I am so sorry.  Please be patient.  I'll find my stride soon.

If more of you were clicking on those google ads, maybe I could quit my job and blog full time.*  Something to think about, you know.  I still harbor hopes of making millions off my google ads!

So..... please stay tuned during this time of transition.  And if you haven't figured out RSS feeds yet, maybe now is a good time to do so.  I still don't completely understand them, but I think the premise is that they let you know when something new has appeared on this site.  So you don't have to keep coming back to check.

Not that coming back is bad.  Especially if you click on one of those google ads.  Save me from billable hours by clicking my google ads!

*This is a joke, by the way.  I assume you all know that since everyone has google ads, hardly anyone is making money off of them.

Oh I forgot this one. I love this one.

October 23, 2007 11:43 PM

UPDATE: Well screw NBC! So stupid of them to pull video that gives them free publicity!

Yes, I've been out of town in "training" for the new job. No, it was not anything like this.

Renewing my Ohio State Alumni Association membership, NBS style

On four sticky notes, stuck to my check:

If I am denied for football tickets again this year, this will be the last year I renew. 

What assurances do you all make to ensure that does not happen to the same person two years in a row? 

And please, take my name off the list for the magazine.  That global warming

article was a total piece of crap.  Thank you.  [NBS], College of Law, 2000.

It will be ignored.  But you can't not say something.  This year was particularly bad.  They actually told me I had tickets for the OSU-Wisconsin game, and then wrote me weeks later explaining they'd made a mistake, and that no tickets would be available for me for any game, much less that one.  Inexcusable!

Giuliani will protect us from alien attack

Well that's a relief.  He's talking about the outer space kind, though, not the South of the Border kind (remember they used to be called aliens, before they were called "non-citizen residents").

But anyway.  At least we can agree that defending us from space invaders is a good thing.  If Hillary is elected President, she'll probably embrace them as her own kind.

An even worse thing to say to a judge than "well, that's your opinion."

October 20, 2007 02:52 PM

"I'm not a morning person."  Especially not good when that's your defense to child abuse charges.

HT: Althouse

Breaking: Women Come in 12 Different Shapes

October 18, 2007 09:37 PM

Such as brick, goblet, cello, lollipop, and of course, the dreaded pear.  At the link, you can find what works best for each shape.  Yes, turn to NBS for news you can use.

Where's the article about what shapes men come in?  And better yet, the advice about what to do about it?  If you're short, I can tell you on good authority to get your pants cuffed at an inch and a quarter.  The look also works well if you're nasty and brutish. 

HT: Althouse

Too much information, left on the printer tray

October 17, 2007 02:48 PM

It's an email from a paralegal to the receptionist, announcing that she's leaving early today to go to an urgent care center.  She has a urinary tract infection, and her regular doctor can't see her until tomorrow!

Why would you email that to a colleague, and then leave a copy of it on the printer?

Is there some confusion out there about what "original document" means?

It means the original.  As in the one with the person's actual signature.  Not a copy.  Not a fax.  Not one scanned in and emailed to me as a PDF.  The original.

Oh and if you're the one executing it, sign it in blue ink.  Never black.  Do you really want people licking their fingers and trying to smear your signature to find out if they are holding the original or a copy?  Always use blue ink on business or legal correspondence.

Class dismissed. 

"Well that's your opinion!" One thing you never--ever--say to a Judge. Especially not the fiesty Judge Milian of the People's Court

October 16, 2007 11:56 AM

HT: Above the Law

The Enquirer not only buries the lede, they don't even put the lede in their article

The lead story over at the right now is that the E.W. Scripps Company is going to split into two separate entities.  This is a huge story for the Cincinnati business community.  And people want to know if they'll still have jobs, be transferred, etc. etc.

But the article the Enquirer runs does not even mention whether the newly created companies will keep their corporate headquarters in Cincinnati--a big issue, since media outlets logically belong in L.A. or New York.  You have to go directly to the company's press release to find this information--which is where the Enquirer got all their information for their article.  They practically reprint the press release verbatim.  Except the most important part, and the part their readers will care about. 

I assume the Enquirer will update their story shortly.  But why even put anything out there, when it doesn't even address the first question people will have?

Both new companies are staying by the way.  NBS breaks the news by reading the press release!  Should I insist the Enquirer "credit" NBS as the source? 

And in the "telling things to the papers that won't help the Church's reputation" department...

... we have this article about infertility treatments from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.  They are talking about "options" for infertile Catholic couples:

Catholic ethicists are divided over whether it's permissible to artificially inseminate a wife with her husband's sperm, she said. Although conservative theologians once rejected the practice, some now say it can be done if the semen is collected during intercourse using a condom with a tiny hole that makes it open to the possibility of conception.

Can you imagine?  I'm usually a big defender of the Catholic Church's position on medical ethics.  But this one is just ridiculous! 

This year's crime stats for Cincinnati are way down...

October 15, 2007 10:59 PM

...but what does it mean?  Homicides are down 21% from last year.  There have been 55 as opposed to 70 at this time last year.  I maintain that if you aren't involved in drugs, your chances of being murdered in Cincinnati are basically nil.  About the same as being struck by lightening or hit by a drunk driver.  Killed in the crossfire... sometimes it just happens.  But hardly ever to anyone who is not involved in drugs. 

Violent crime (murder, rape, robbery and assault) in Cincinnati is down 12% for 2007.  That's a recognizable difference.  

But what causes the improved stats?  Better policing?  More police?  Luck?  And what are the trends nationwide?  Is crime down in all the major cities?  If so, we can't claim we are doing something right here. 

If you want the neighborhood breakdown, things are getting much better in Over the Rhine, the West End, English Woods, Hyde Park, East Walnut Hills, Spring Grove Village (f.k.a. Winton Place) and North Avondale.  Things are worse in Mount Washington, Sayler Park and Bond Hill.

And while we're on the topic of pants, did I mention the NBS humiliation of the weekend?

So we're sitting there at a very, very nice steakhouse (St. Elmo's in Indianapolis--if you haven't been there, go) for my father-in-law's retirement party.  And we all consume a fantastic meal of Thanksgiving-sized quantity.  And when it's all done, we're all sitting there talking about how full we all are, and how much we all had to eat.  You know how you do. 

And so we're sitting there talking about this, and Mrs. NBS says, jokingly, "I'm glad I'm in my elastic pregnancy pants."  And so what do I, who was still in the  "I had waaaaaay too much to eat mode" then loudly proclaim, like a complete idiot?


This was met by TOTAL SILENCE.  Mrs. NBS just totally froze.  I totally froze.  Her dad and her brother started talking about something else.  Maybe they were so polite that they just pretended not to hear.  We still don't know.  They didn't even twitch.  I have to think if they were paying attention, they would have at least twitched.  I mean how far can good manners take you?  You just can't hear something like that and not twitch.

So we decided they didn't hear it.  And I then decided the situation was hysterical, and started cracking up.  It's amazing what two martinis and a glass of pinot noir will do to help you speedily recover from an embarrassing faux pas.  Thank you martinis and pinot noir!

"Can't the man have a mid-life crisis in peace? In the animal kingdom such displays often attract a willing mate."

Oh dear.  The Brits are upset one of their better known tv hosts appeared on tv in moleskin trousers.  Maybe he should have used LBJ's tailor?

terry wogan

HT: Jackie Danicki

The Brits call that a lunch box.  Yes, the slogan was new to me to.

UPDATE:  I almost forgot.  This Brit has nothing on Dick Cheney, as photographed during the 2004 campaign.  What's the slogan?  A [Republican] elephant never forgets?

How much do I hate Delta's monopoly at CVG?

October 12, 2007 10:07 AM

I'm trying to book tickets to Maine for Thanksgiving, and Delta will let us fly out of Dayton for $122 less per ticket.  But to do that, we have to have a layover.  In Cincinnati.  Which we would be driving from to get to Dayton.  And how long do they want us to sit at CVG for our layover?  Five hours and 27 minutes.

Which will probably be even longer once all the flights get delayed. 

Suggested new slogan: "Delta.  We love to have you sit at CVG for five and half hours, and it shows."

UPDATE: Continental and Northwest have the exact same ticket price for the exact same dates.  It's almost like there's some sort of price fixing going on!

And now, we know how he died.

October 11, 2007 03:26 PM

Who, you ask?  Count Gottfried Alexander Leopold Graf von Bismarck-Schonhausen!  We profiled his obituary back in July, because it began as few obituaries do:

Count Gottfried von Bismarck, who was found dead on Monday aged 44, was a louche German aristocrat with a multi-faceted history as a pleasure-seeking heroin addict, hell-raising alcoholic, flamboyant waster and a reckless and extravagant host of homosexual orgies.

It's an awful lot to put on a tombstone, but at least he managed to get in in the first sentence of his Telegraph obit.  And back in July, NBS commeter Dr. Mabuse asked, "But what did he die of?"  And now we know.  He'd injected himself with cocaine once an hour, for 24 hours.

And on a totally unrelated sidenote: This does kind of remind me of the time the Enquirer was interviewing my mom for my grandmother's obit and the reporter had never heard of "Vassar."  We still shake our heads in wonder over that.  [A weird obituary story is the only link between my grandmother and Count Gottfried von Bismark, lest you be wondering how he put me in mind of her.  She was not flamboyant waster or a reckless and extragagant host of homosexual orgies.  Well, not unless you count the times she'd have in her antiques appraiser.  That always got pretty crazy.]

President Johnson on the phone ordering pants: Mentions his nuts, bunghole

Here's the transcript of Our Classiest President, LBJ, on the phone ordering pants from Joe Haggar.

LBJ: Now the pockets, when you sit down, everything falls out, your money, your knife, everything, so I need at least another inch in the pockets. And another thing - the crotch, down where your nuts hang - is always a little too tight, so when you make them up, give me an inch that I can let out there, uh because they cut me, it's just like riding a wire fence. These are almost, these are the best I've had anywhere in the United States,

JH: Fine

LBJ: But, uh when I gain a little weight they cut me under there. So, leave me , you never do have much of margin there. See if you can't leave me an inch from where the zipper (burps) ends, round, under my, back to my bunghole, so I can let it out there if I need to.

I know you're wondering: Is there audio?  And the answer to that my friends is yes.  It's rather incredible, to say the least, that this conversation was recorded for posterior posterity.

I do like that he carried a knife though.  Someone should research who the last President was that carried a knife regularly.  There was a time when all American men did--my Dad still does.

HT: Althouse.

A blogger's pet peeve

October 9, 2007 09:44 PM

So what's the deal with friends--ostensibly more than friends, ostensibly readers--who are clearly not up to speed?  I mean, what's with the questions about my employment situation, for example?  It's a tad awkward when I have to say "Um, X, I believe that subject has already been covered extensively.  On my blog."

And don't give me that "I don't read blogs from work" excuse.  I don't spend a ridiculous amount of time deleting spam comments advertising penis extenders just to make NBS workplace safe for nothing.  Come up with something better.

So when is Jennifer Nettles going to turn from star to icon? Because I'm thinking it is going to be soon.

Wow, 4:30 and the whistle just blew at the law firm salt mines

Yabadabadoo!!!  What, you didn't hear it?  I know they're early today.  By several hours.  But I heard it, and I'm outta here.  More utterly non-work related blogging tomorrow!

UPDATE: Departure delayed by bitchy remarks from senior female partner: "I. Hope. You enjoy [name of new firm]," said with dripping condecension.  "Goooood luuuuh-uuuck."  Totally designed to make me think I'm making a huge mistake.  Why not go with the full on "No one ever leaves a star!" Norma Desmond routine from Sunset Boulevard?  I mean really.  My response, with total faux chipperness "Thanks!  Opportunity knocks!!!"  Totally designed to make her think I think there are no opportunities here.  Which there aren't. 

Now I'm leaving after briefing the paralegals on said bitchy comments from said partner.  They weren't surprised! 

If you're looking for the perfect NBS baby gift (and I know that you are), you could do no worse that this stroller from Bullet Proof Baby.

After all, we could still be living within Cincinnati city limits come March.

And while I'm complaining about my fellow Republicans...

...let me also carp on the timing of tonight's Republican debate.  I'm batching it tonight, so I thought I'd have time to watch it.  Liveblog it, no less.  But none of that is possible, because it's at 4:00 in the afternoon.  Who in the hell has time to watch a debate at 4:00 in the afternoon?  All the working (i.e. voting) people are still working.  And the people who aren't working are watching Oprah.  They're not going to flip over to CNBC to watch the Republican candidates talk economic policy.  If a tree falls in the forest, does it still make a sound?  I guess we'll find out.

And no, I'm not satisfied that MSNBC is replaying it at 9:00.  I'm not going to liveblog a taped program!

As if Republicans needed yet another reason not to vote for Leslie Ghiz... we hear the news that she has been endorsed by the Republican Leadership Council.  The RLC is a group of left-leaning Republicans whose express goal is to drive the party further to the left.  They call it "the middle," but believe me when I tell you, it is not that.  Mark my words, gentle readers: This is the path of disaster and electoral defeat.  Just ask, well, pretty much all the Republicans who lost in Ohio last year because of the "moderate" sixteen years we had under Voinovich and Taft.  We do not need to be grooming more leaders in that mold.

Also disturbing: The email trumpeting this news contains a link to Leslie's campaign website, where we read:

Leslie is engaged to be married shortly after the November election.  She and her fiancé, Steve, reside in North Avondale. 

I know we are well past the point where we can expect model behavior from politicians, but when did we pass the point that they stopped pretending?  I mean, why put this information out there?  Not classy.  At all.

NBS Laugh of the Day

In an email from a senior partner:

"Anyway, lets see what we can do on some of these things before you leave."

Um, no.  I don't think so.  I'm wrapping up current projects and that is it.  No more.  Especially not after the past few days of closed doors, whispered conversations, and bitter, angry glances.

If any local NBSers want to take a three hour lunch with me during the next two weeks, email me!

Because having a baby and putting the house on the market just aren't enough changes...

October 5, 2007 10:27 AM

...this morning I quit my job.  After five years in my current job, I'm switching to a different law firm, where the pay is a lot better and hopefully some other things will be different.

Here's how the news is going over with my colleagues:

The mushroom cloud of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan, 1945, rose some 18 kilometers (11 mi) above the hypocenter

At least they haven't escorted me out, though.  Yet.  I think they're still in shock.

So THIS is why mom didn't want me to go in the bathroom at Kings Island by myself!

October 4, 2007 09:54 PM

Notable Quotable: Albert Einstein on Freedom

Being a lover of freedom, when the revolution came in Germany, I looked to the universities to defend it, knowing that they had always boasted of their devotion to the cause of truth; but, no, the universities immediately were silenced. Then I looked to the great editors of the newspapers whose flaming editorials in days gone by had proclaimed their love of freedom; but they, like the universities, were silenced in a few short weeks. …
Only the Church stood squarely across the path of Hitler's campaign for suppressing truth. I never had any special interest in the Church before, but now I feel a great affection and admiration because the Church alone has had the courage and persistence to stand for intellectual truth and moral freedom. I am forced thus to confess that what I once despised I now praise unreservedly.

Albert Einstein, TIME, 23 September 1940

HT: Andrew Cusack