Nasty, Brutish & Short

Impending Fatherhood Archives

Why I haven't been blogging much lately.

May 23, 2008 09:30 PM

Someone has stolen my heart.


They said it was going to be tiring, but...

March 31, 2008 08:18 AM

...I wasn't really expecting how tiring it would be.  Yes, Mrs. NBS and Baby NBS are both fine, after a chaotic arrival into the world, that involved everyone getting emergency surgery--including Henry, the dog (yes, really). 

So sorry for the lack of posting here at NBS, and thanks to those of you who have emailed.  Regular programming will resume shortly!

Nope, still no baby

March 16, 2008 08:21 PM

Thanks to those of you who have asked.  Still no signs.  I was hoping for something this weekend, so I could miss work on Monday.  But nothing yet.

The official due date is not until Tuesday.  I keep reminding Mrs. NBS of that.  "It's not like a library book," I tell her.  "You don't have to have finished with it by the due date."  I know, I'm not much help.  But really, what am I supposed to do?  Since I don't know, I just crack lame jokes, like asking, "Are you stuck?" when she was dusting under the bed.  That got a big laugh.  From me, anyway.  I thought Winnie the Pooh jokes were baby-appropriate?

I did get a laugh out of her when I packed my bag for the hospital.  It started out with me thinking that I may have to come straight from work, and would not want to go through all that "hospital stuff" in a suit.  So I packed my own bag: Duck boots (in case things get messy), wicking fabric shorts and shirt (if it's sweaty) and airport-sized bottles of rum that I got out of a piñata at a Halloween party a few years back (no parenthetic explanation needed).  And no, cheap rum is not my beverage of choice, but I think it's tacky to make a liquor store run just so you can pack you childbirth bag.  And now's actually a good time to get it off the NBS bar--I never have it out if people are over.  I think it's orange flavored, or something like that.  But as they say, any port in a storm.

Ooooo.  There's an idea.  Maybe I should pack some port? 

 Bean Boots by L.L.Bean®, Men's 6

Mrs. NBS is nine months pregnant, and now we're having a blizzard

March 7, 2008 10:37 AM

Welcome to my world. 

In case it's not obvious, we're not exactly "deliver at home" kind of people.  Thank God for Youtube.  I'm sure I can find something on there that tells me what I'm supposed to do.

Oooooooo.  Here's an idea.  Maybe I can get her to shovel the driveway.   She's ready to get this baby out.  And then the driveway will be clear for when we need it.

Political Confusion Breaks Out in Ohio 02

February 23, 2008 11:09 PM

So I was on the way to Lowe's to buy air filters because we're on a pre-baby cleaning binge, and I see right there on Marburg Avenue that there is a house with two signs out--one for Jean Schmidt and the other for Barack Obama.  What the hell?  I almost pulled over to take a picture for the blog, but I realized commenters--probably CincyJeff--would immediately chime in with "See, I told you she was a liberal!  It makes perfect sense!"  Or words to that effect.  So I was going to keep it to myself.  Until I got a little further down the road, and passed a business that has signs up for both Tom Brinkman and Hillary Clinton.   Again, what the hell?  What is wrong with these people?  Who are they going to vote for when they get to the polls on election day, and realize they can only get a Republican ballot or a Democrat ballot?

And what to make of all this?  There is only one conclusion I'm drawing from this political confusion, and it's that come November, the Republican presidential candidate is going to be in a world of hurt.  It's a good thing we have a candidate the party can rally behind.  Oh.... wait.

The neighbors have Barack Obama signs out too.  We're not surprised by the people next door--they accused me of stealing their Kerry/Edwards sign four years ago.  We've had kind of a North Korea/South Korea relationship ever since.  There's like a DMZ and everything.  But what explains the nice couple across the street?  Today they put their Barack signs out.  And they went to Furman.  The only explanation I can come up with is that it's a Baptist school, and they must be susceptible to good preachin'.  Lawd have mercy.

The Village of Indian Hill: "We don't care if poor peoples' babies go flying through windshields."

February 18, 2008 09:19 PM

Okay, so Mrs. NBS and I spent Saturday at Childbirth Class (more on that later) and I wanted to make sure I blogged about one of the leaflets we were given, because it was so obnoxious.  And that leaflet was the list of all the fire departments in the Greater Cincinnati area where they'll put your car seat in properly for you.  You know, because car seats are so complicated that people can't figure them out, and then they get in an accident and the next thing you know, there's a dead baby.

So it's basically a service that's a good thing, something that firemen can do while they're waiting around for a fire that needs to be put out.  Because I'm sure nobody's going to show up and be like "Wait!  Don't leave! You can't go to that fire, I need you to put my car seat in."

Except that must be what the Indian Hill-Madeira Fire Department is afraid of.  Either that, or hordes of people from Madisonville demanding immediate car seat attention.  I don't know what.  Because yes, you guessed it.  On the lengthy list of fire departments in the Tri-State that you can go to to get your car seat put in, Indian Hill is the only one that specifies: "RESIDENTS' ONLY."  It is the only one, out of dozens and dozens of municipalities, that puts ANY restrictions on its car seat installation policy.  And this is on a list that goes to practically every expectant couple in the Tri-State, nearly all of whom don't live in Indian Hill and would never dream of going to the Indian Hill Fire Department and demanding car seat attention.  Bad PR, Indian Hill.  Bad, bad PR.

When we were looking over these materials on Saturday, I saw the woman in front of me pointing to Indian Hill and saying to her husband "Look, they say 'RESIDENTS' ONLY.'"  This was a couple that was probably going to have difficulty even affording to buy a car seat.  Much less a house in Indian Hill, which is apparently what they need if they happen to stop by the I-H Fire Department because they can't figure out how to put the damn thing in.

I would think the hassle of putting in maybe five or six extra car seats per year for non-Indian Hill residents would be more than outweighed by the benefits of not singling your municipality out as being horrifically snobby.  What the hell is this, India during the reign of Queen Victoria?

Family Planning, as it should be.

February 3, 2008 08:44 PM

Except we're not going over the top with wallpaper and cutesy tootsie murals.  But the sentiment is right.  And honestly, the happy waspy '50s couple kind of looks like us.

Sunday Morning. Supportive Husband.

Mrs. NBS:  "I just feel so.... wide."

Me:  "Well!  There's a wideness in God's mercy!"

Just six more weeks to go.

From the "good to know" department, helpful information for new parents, that's easy to understand

January 28, 2008 02:42 PM

And this one seems especially apt:


HT: Blake Fox, (and here are more helpful pictograms).

New baby fears

January 5, 2008 11:49 PM

So in addition to the "Please God, Don't Let Her Be a Democrat" thing, have I also mentioned that I live in fear that I'm going to be the next Brenda Nessleroad-Slaby?  It's true.  I think it's one of the reasons I was so easy on Brenda Nessleroad-Slaby this summer, after she left her baby to roast in a hot car while she went in to work.  I knew we'd be bringing home a baby, and I knew I could see myself being so absent minded.

In fact, I had a law professor once who began class once in a very rattled manner, and then explained it was because he had been outside his normal routine that morning, and was supposed to drop the kids of at school.  But instead, he went in completely the wrong direction, and didn't realize it until he was parking at the law school, and from the back seat he heard "Dad!!! You were supposed to take us to school!!!!"  It's a good thing they spoke up, or he probably would have left them in there.

I could totally see that happening to me.

So anyway, as we've been looking for a baby friendly new car, I've paid particular attention to the mirrors you get (on some SUVs, they are built-in) that show the back seat.  I've been very focused on things you can get to help you remember not to roast your child.  Turkey timers, I gather, would be considered child abuse.  And there's a big debate about mirrors, because if you're in an accident, they could fall off and konk (or even slice) they baby.  So it's all very complicated, and also a big conspiracy to get you to spend money on some supposedly fool-proof thing. 

But, the good news is, I've come up with what I think it just about the best PSA spot ever, for local radio when it get hot this summer:

Don't Slaby Your Baby.

Classy, isn't it!  700WLW would totally run it, anyway.  Can't you imagine it on billboards all over the tri-state?

Here's hoping ours is this easily--and affordably--entertained...

November 29, 2007 10:40 PM

"As long as it makes me look like a DILF, I don't care what kind of backpack we get."

November 9, 2007 10:16 AM

The NBSes emailing, about essential baby supplies.

If you're looking for the perfect NBS baby gift (and I know that you are), you could do no worse that this stroller from Bullet Proof Baby.

October 9, 2007 02:16 PM

After all, we could still be living within Cincinnati city limits come March.

Awwwww. I've found the NBS parenting model.

September 21, 2007 08:33 AM

So here's the big NBS news: This is where the elliptical machine was supposed to go.

September 19, 2007 07:45 PM

For those who don't know, that's a crib.  No, not the MTV kind.  The baby kind.  I decided to take a break from putting it together (a job that began three days ago) to blog about it. 

But what does the presence of the crib mean, NBSers?  Yes, you are all so smart!  We be habbin' a baby.  Don't worry, this isn't an all access pass.  I won't be taking you inside the delivery room.  In fact, I really don't want to be there myself.  But I'll go, because the damn liberal social mores of our time demand it.  I think I should sitting nervously in the waiting room with a box of cigars in my lap, like it is 1957.  But no, I'll be in there, just because society demands that I not look like an asshole.  I'm not going South of the Equator, though.  That's where I draw the line.  I also will not be cutting the cord, because I read in a baby book that when you do, "stuff" comes flying out of it.  I'm envisioning an unwieldy fireman's hose.  I'm not going there.   

We're past the first 12 weeks (i.e. the risky time) so it looks like this will actually be happening.  The big due date is March 18.  And we have a lot to do before then: finish the martini I have in my hand, finish putting the crib together, put the house on the market, find a buyer, find a new house, move, buy Mrs. NBS a new car that's not a two-door, and figure out child care and/or what Mrs. NBS is doing with her career.  Good thing I'm a firm believer in beginning with first things, because the only thing I'm ready for is that martini.  Holy Shit.  We be habbin' a baby.  Life comes at you fast.  Hope you all are prepared.  There will be some impending fatherhood posts around here, mixed in with the same melange of pop culture critiques and right wing political rants that you have come to expect from NBS.  The times may be changing, but they'll only be getting better.  We be habbin' a baby.

And as for the elliptical machine?  It never made it upstairs.  Right about the last time I blogged about it was just before we found out our news.  And it was kind of like, well now what do we do with that thing?  We don't have room for it, but we definitely still want it.  So it sat there, blocking the downstairs hallway for several weeks, until we slid it into the study to get it out of the way.  We'll set it up at the new house, where we'll have a lot more room.  Whether or not someone will want to use it to lose some weight after the baby arrives, I will not opine on.  For now, we need to "stage" Alco Hall for potential buyers, and we just don't have room for it.  By the way, unlike the elliptical machine, the crib prefers martinis, not scotch.  In fact, a martini should be on the list of "needed tools" that they set out in the horribly translated Chinese instructions.  Trust me, you can't put one of these together without one.  Is this a harbinger of things to come?  Hope you can register for gin and vermouth at BabiesRUs.  I'll need it.  We be habbin' a baby.