Nasty, Brutish & Short

Style Archives

Meet Beach Bob

May 12, 2008 04:08 PM

Maybe the lower taxes still don't make Florida worth it?  Meet Beach Bob, retired court reporter.  Current occupation: Plaintiff.  He's suing the Lee County Sherrif's Office.  The Naples News has the background:

Beach Bob likes to sunbathe in a Speedo.

Nearly every cloudless morning for more than 10 years, he’s wheeled his tattered lounger down to the same spot, which he says is due west of where the boardwalk opens onto the sand at Bonita Beach, and sets up camp for the day.

And so his retirement was going. Sun-drenched, uneventful. Until one day a Lee County Sheriff’s deputy stopped by and wrote him a warning for trespassing.

The reason?

“Exposed scrotum,” the notice read. “Never return to Bonita Beach Main Access.”

Beach Bob wasn't going to take that lying down!

He hired a lawyer, studied maps of the Collier-Lee county line, trotted some of the other beach regulars up to Fort Myers to testify on his behalf. They reported the patch of sand he claims every day is in fact south of the Lee border, so Deputy William Dunaske had no business patrolling there anyway.

They said [he] never rolls in the sides of his Speedo like the deputy alleged.

He got the trespassing warning dismissed.  And now he's brought a civil rights claim (he now suffers from insomnia because of the stress).  Here's what would keep me up at night:  Getting subpoened to testify about whether Beach Bob rolls in the sides of his speedo.  Would that be how you'd want to spend your golden years?  You sure you want to move to Florida?

Speaking of golden, here's a picture of Beach Bob:

Work it Beach Bob.  Work it.  If the speedo fits you must aquits!

If you're assuming this is a case of first impression you'd be wrong.  A few years ago our own Miami University up in Oxford was sued by an employee after he was told he could no longer wear a speedo to swim at the university gym.  People got to have their rights!

HT:  Above the Law.

Evaluating the candidates' bumper stickers

January 27, 2008 08:16 AM

I've already said I can't imagine putting a Huckabee sticker on the back of my car.  That's mostly because it's such a hill-jack name, backed up by a hill-jack personality.  Graphic designers have a problem with the aesthetics, too:

Huckabee has the most inexplicable selection of typography and graphics, from the six floating stars to the white stripe seemingly stolen from the Coca-Cola logo. The overall effect is clutter. The main typeface, used to set the candidate's name, is very tightly spaced, or tightly tracked, as typographers like to say. Some letters, like kab, are actually touching each other. Then "Mike" is tucked in between the H and k as if "we almost forgot to tell you his first name." Setting FAITH. FAMILY. FREEDOM. in such a thin weak sans serif feels as if it was added as a committee compromise or an afterthought. The type is too light, too small, and does not have a real voice.

They're right.  It definitely has an "I've never done this before" kind of look to it.  Kind of like he stopped by a Minuteman Printing on the way home one afternoon and said, "Shirley, what can you come up with?"

At the opposite end of the extreme: John McCain.  I have my problems with him on the issues, but his campaign graphics are fantastic.  Mrs. NBS and I actually discussed this a few weeks ago, and when you have people actually discussing how much they like the bumper stickers for someone they're not going to vote for, it means the designers hit a home run.  Here's what the experts say:

McCain uses type that is a perfect compromise between a sans and a serif, what type geeks call a "flared sans." Not quite sans and not quite serif, sort of in between, moderate, not too far in either direction. The strokes have contrast between the thick and thin, creating the feeling that the ends are going to have cute little serifs, but they just flare out a little, not forming actual serifs but wanting to. The military star centered and shadowed is a not-so-subtle touch. And McCain just says "President," as if to say he's already been elected. Everything about this logo says you can buy a car from this man. From the perfectly centered star to the perfectly spaced type, the entire design looks like a high-end real estate company. McCain has done something no other candidate has done, he uses all blue, no red - not even a dash.

And the blue he uses is almost a black.  With the white star, it looks very, very crisp.  Lean.  Trim.  Fit.  Very "I'm more than Harrison Ford in Air Force One could ever even dream of being."

On the Democrat side, the graphic designers say the winner is Obama.  I'm actually not wild about his design.  Doesn't it look...too liberal?  John Edwards got the (supposed) working class mantra right with his simplistic "my shift ends at 1:00 a.m. and I'm pissed" look.  And Hillary's graphic?  Exactly like bumper stickers always look.  Boring.  What's she running for, state rep.?

"The Groesbecks were another comely race."

January 22, 2008 10:05 PM

In the comments, Polite, Refined and Tall suggests that the video "Price Hill Girls" should be reason enough for me to visit the West Side.  And here's what that comment reminds me of, and that's this passage from The Serene Cincinnatians, which was published in 1950 as part of the "Society in America" series (if you haven't already, do check out The Spectacular San Franciscans, the authors of which must have had no idea of what was yet to come):

The Groesbecks were another comely race.  In mid-nineteenth century, the Misses Olivia Groesbeck and Sally Carneal were spoken of as the two most beautiful girls in Cincinnati.  A portrait of Olivia by Thomas Buchanan Read, in the home of a kinswoman in New York, confirms not only the fact of her beauty but of Read's fine ability as a painter.  She visited England once, and met the Duke of Wellington, evidently making a distinct impression upon that old connoisseur; for there is a legend that when, long afterward, he tasted some of Nicholas Longworth's wine, and praising it, asked where it came from, "Cincinnati!" he repeated.  "Ah, that is where Miss Groesbeck lives."

Back in my Bachelor days, I used to think this anecdote would make a great toast.  I would re-tell it, and then raise my glass to the beautiful young lady, and salute both her, and our fair city, saying, "To Cincinnati.  Where Miss Groesbeck lives."

But you know what?  We never had any Groesbecks as débutantes.  Much less any from there. 

I like them Price Hill Girls

HT: Nixguy

Pop quiz. Sharon Stone's catsuit is __________.

January 18, 2008 12:34 PM

Just right...

stonemorocco.jpg

Too tight?

The Candidates' Homes, an NBS Tour

January 17, 2008 02:59 PM

Of course, Mother Jones put these photos up because they want you to think we're ruled by monied, hypocritical, gas guzzling aristocrats, no matter which party wins.  I'm putting them up because real estate is porn for married people.  So let's begin!

Here's Huckabee's house.  Not surprisingly, the candidate that I like the least has the house I like the least.  It's weighs in at 5,124 square feet, with a deck and a swimming pool.  It's also boring, and has atrocious landscaping:

huckabeehouse-big.jpg

Here's Rudy's pad in New York.  I really can't relate to it, but it's got a Walnut-paneled dining room and a cigar room.  I don't smoke, but I like the sound of that.  There's no rule that says you can't use your cigar room as a drinking room.

guiliani.jpg

The McCains do the tall building thing too, but theirs is a $4.7 mill condo in Phoenix.  They also have a ranch in Sedona, which was profiled in Home & Garden.  I think I also saw it in Architectural Digest a few years ago.  It was nice.  Better than their condo, anyway:

mccains-condo-500x389.jpg

Turning for a minute to the other side of the aisle, here's Hill and Bill's place in Westchester County.  I have no problems with it, and it certainly comports with whatever their pollster told them to buy.  I just wonder if they've ever seen it themselves?

clinton-large.jpg

Can't you just feel the love radiating off of the Clinton's house?  You know it's just a place of intimate diners for two, and passionate, romantic interludes.  When Hillary's in D.C.

The Obamas' place in Chicago is also nice.  And, it has a 1,000 bottle wine cellar.  Me like the sound of that!  Party at the Obamas!  They need to learn to bring the trash cans back up promptly though.  How rude.

obamas-house-500x375.jpg

You've already heard me opine in the hideousness of the Edwards home in North Carolina.  It is too big (21,000 square feet).  And it has an indoor basketball court.  They also have a beach house in North Carolina.  Presumably it's more suitable to his "Two Americas" crap than this is:

edwardshome-500x333.jpg

Here's one that's big and tasteful.  It's the Romney's ski retreat in Park City, Utah.  Looks like a house the Bushes would own.  Mitt has residences in several states, I believe.  Mrs. Romney must do a lot of dusting.  Of course, when you don't smoke or drink, what else is there to do?

romney-house-500x333.jpg

NBS is ready to call the winner in the taste department, though.  This is the Thompsons' house in McLean, Virginia.  A seven bedroom, five bath stunner with a real Presidential air.

thompson-house.jpg

Gorgeous.

An "I Only Date Democrats" Girl

January 1, 2008 11:41 AM

[Phote pulled due to guilt trip by Jackie Danicki.  Jackie, at the very least, your friend has bitchface.] 

A severe, manly jaw.  Stringy hair.  No make-up.  Pale skin.  Eyebrows tweezed into mean little lines.  No sense of pride in her appearance.  And just this aura of anger.

What makes her think she's in a position to be so choosy?

[Photo one of the many interesting ones that are always up over at 5chw4r7z.]

Fred Thompson, Campaigner

December 19, 2007 06:27 PM

In a word, he's awful.  From Politico, we hear of a trip to a firehouse in Iowa, where the Chief offered to let him try on his hat:

Thompson looked at it with a sour expression on his face.

“I’ve got a silly hat rule,” Thompson said.

In point of fact, the “silly” hat was the one Chief McKenzie wore to fires and I am guessing none of the firefighters in attendance considered it particularly silly, but Thompson was not going to put it on.  He just stood there holding it and staring at it.

Part of being a good politician is knowing what is and is not a silly hat.  A fire chief's hat is not a silly hat.  And telling Iowans that you have a silly hat rule?  Why do that?  Where's the no silly hat constituency?

Thank God, though, for smart wives:

To save the moment, Jeri Thompson took the hat from her husband’s hands and put it on her head.

“You look cute,” Thompson said to her.  She did.

Cute and smart.  Why isn't she the one running again?

Jeri took off the hat and McKenzie led the Thompsons over to a fire truck.

The chief invited Thompson to climb up behind the wheel, but Thompson said, “Naw, this is fine.”  And he stood there looking at the fire truck.

Jesus, Fred.  Just get on the damn truck!

But back to Fred's no silly hat rule.  You know who wears silly hats?  Delegates to political conventions, that's who.  Fortunately for Fred, I don't think he'll be seeing many of those delegates.  And their silly, silly hats.

BIG UPDATE:  Boo hiss to the Politico for their coverage of this.  CBS was also at the firehouse with Fred, and their video does not comport with the Politico's coverage.  At all.  I'd mostly known Politico for their fairly even-handed reporting, though their Republican blogger has an irrational anti-Romney tone to his posts.  Guess that spills over to their coverage of Team Fred, too. 

Now I understand the "green" shopping movement...

December 13, 2007 12:31 PM

...it's an idiot tax, like lottery tickets.  Economic natural selection, but for rich, coastal people.  From The New York Times:

Some designs marketed as environment-friendly might include only a fraction of organic cotton, or a tag made of recycled paper. And some so-called green fashion may be downright silly, like the Goyard canvas shopping tote shown in the Barneys “Have a Green Holiday” catalog: the bag is $1,065, plus $310 for painted monogramming of a triangular recycle symbol in gold. The canvas, the catalog says, is “100% recyclable.”

Isn't it good to know you can recycle that $1,065 canvas bag ($1,375, if you get it monogrammed)?  What a great stewardship of resources!

And the old patchwork quilt has come full circle.  At Barney's, you can get a Duro Olowu dress that is made from a patchwork of “recycled fabric.”   And by that, he means "a mix of his own prints and some original, unused samples of leftover couture textiles he found."

It retails at $7,600.

Househunting with the NBSes

November 29, 2007 04:12 PM

The listing agent says this one is "for the sophisticated taste."  And here's the master bedroom:

 Click Photo To Enlarge

Sort of screams "bin Laden wife," doesn't it?  Here's the bath:

Click Photo To Enlarge

Fortunately, the family room is much more practical:

Click Photo To Enlarge

Mmmmmm.  Cozy.  It's MLS 1095328.  Check it out, in all it's hideousness.  It's in Glendale, of all places.  Hardly the Glendale I know.  I bet the neighbors hate them.